Saturday, April 18, 2009

Somebody Clone Me -- Please!

I have a problem. I like too many things.

My interests run the gamut from things like playing fantasy baseball to watching American Idol with my wife to developing software to painting miniatures to reading books & blogs to designing tabletop games and playing them to spending time with my family to playing the drums to chasing my 2 cats to finding a great new restaurant to eat at to whatever else excites me at the moment. I'm exhausted just thinking about it all.

Maybe you're like me. Maybe you've come to the frustrating conclusion that there are just so many things to spend your time on that you're an ideal candidate for cloning. I mean how else are you going to find the time to do all that stuff? There needs to be 5 or 6 of you.

Let's set aside one Sevy for work and business. He can develop great software and bring home the cash. Hell, you know that the rest of us clones don't want to work for the man anyway.

Clone #2 can serve as the Font of All Knowledge. His job is to voraciously read everything and soak up every worthwhile scrap of knowledge that he comes across. The group will go to him when it needs guidance and answers to difficult questions. Better get him a Kindle, because we're not gonna have enough bookshelves to store all those books he'll be reading.

Clone #3 can be the Socialite. He'll happily flit back and forth amongst family and friends, spreading love and joy, lending an ear to the troubled, offering a hand where needed, and making sure the bonds of blood and friendship remain strong.

Clone #4 can be the Uber Geek. He'll organize boardgame nights, run the local rotisserie baseball league, serve as gamemaster and secretary of the ongoing miniatures wargaming campaign, organize outings to game conventions, spend countless hours reading BoardGameGeek and The Miniatures Page, and listen to 20+ podcasts from the geek community at large.

Clone #5 will be the Artist (or artiste for you French buggers). He'll paint. He'll draw. He'll pick out cool patterns for his wife to cross-stitch. He'll select the color of frame and matte used for all the pictures the family decides to hang on the wall. He'll stroke his imaginary beard at the art show and discuss impressionism, cubism, pointillism, art-deco, and whether Frank Frazetta was a greater artist than Boris or Larry Elmore. He'll leave Frank Lloyd Wright and I.M. Pei architectural books on his coffee-table.

And on it goes.... Clones will be generated and sent off to focus on a specific area of expertise. They'll convene once a week in the great Clone Convocation, probably in my living room. Each will be required to bring a covered dish. It gets expensive feeding all those clones every week. After hours of swapping stories, they'll retire to their separate bedrooms on the 2nd Floor, for as we all know too well, my clone sleeps alone.

And maybe, just maybe, I will finally achieve peace and happiness. I will have mastered and learned everything there is to learn; at least the stuff that I give a rat's ass about. I will finally be satisfied. Until I uncover the next cool thing...

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