5 Stupid Things I Want for My Birthday

Today (January 18) is my birthday. I'm going out to dinner with my family at a classy Victorian era restaurant to celebrate. They specialize in Tuscan cooking and make some of the best damn food I've ever eaten in my life. And looking down at my ever-expanding belly, I must say that I've eaten a lot of things over my 44 years of life! Anyway, I'm sure it will be fantastic.

I'm not entirely sure what my wife is getting me for my birthday. I'm sure that I'll like whatever she gets me. I'm easy to please. Really, I am. I'll probably get cologne or something practical. Which is fine by me. But ya know, I would even be happy with 5 stupid gifts like these:

COCKTAIL DEMONS

I don't really drink martinis. But if I had some cool little red cocktail demons to hook over the edge of my glass well you can bet your bippy that I would start drinking like Lindsay Lohan on a weekend bender. These little devils are just too cool.

Of course, the fantasy wargamer in me sees an immediate use for these little demons. They're 1.75 inches tall and only $10 bucks for a box of 50. Hmm, with a little paint they would make most excellent demon troops for my Sword of Severnia wargame. Brilliant! I must get some.

PIRATE MINTS

Fresh breath is always important. I mean seriously, is your wife going to kiss you if your breath smells like six week old bacon? I don't think so. So if you're going to wise up and get fresh breath, then why not make sure that your little mints contain GROG! Arrrr.... Now there's a mouth worth kissing me laddies!

And at 2 tins for $5 bucks, well, what self-respecting pirate shouldn't have these!

FLYING MONKEYS

What's my favorite part of The Wizard of Oz? Besides the Wicked Witch screaming "I'm melting... aahhh", well it has to be the flying monkeys. They're the best henchmen in all of fantasydom. They are cute and irrationally frightening all at the same time.

Well for a mere $6 for a set of 4, these little monkeys can find a spot in your beautifully decorated home. Like the cocktail demons, I think they would make great fantasy wargame figures, or great pawns in a monkey themed board game. But then, I'm weird like that.

MARIE ANTOINETTE LOLLIPOPS

Off with her head! After a tiring day of software development, there's just nothing better than kicking back and ending the day with a lollipop. Well, I imagine it would be a great end to the day anyway. But man, how much better would it be if you were licking the pretty little head of French Revolution babe Marie Antoinette? And she's cherry flavored to boot.

Licking everyone's favorite decapitated French lass will cost you $28 for a box of 24 lollies. I know, I know, really only the upper-crust can afford that, but sometimes you need to indulge yourself once in awhile.

ST. ANTHONY

I consider myself a good Catholic boy. I go to mass every Sunday. I try to be a good example to others. I open and hold the door for little old ladies and everyone else. But I guess I don't read the bible or listen to the Pope enough. Frankly, I had no idea that St. Anthony was the patron saint of bacon. Really?

C'mon... Bacon... That is just TOO COOL for words. And some people say that religion is nonsense. To those people, I say "hope you don't choke on your bacon... sinner".

Hey Saint Tony, I'd like mine extra crispy! Yummm.

By the way, if you're interested in more cool products like this, then do yourself a favor and surf on over to Archie McPhee's. Maybe next birthday I'll luck out with some of these.